Understanding Demand Avoidance

17 SEPTEMBER 2025

Did you know that a 'demand' refers to any expectation placed on a child, whether it is direct or indirect? In this webinar, Anne-Marie Harrison, Education Director from Ideas Afresh, explores practical ways to support children with presentations of demand-avoidance.

Understanding Demand Avoidance

In this webinar, Anne-Marie will guide you through how to build a strong, safe foundation for children described as demand avoidant, using her supportive 'ANCHOR' framework. She will explain the meaning behind each part of the ANCHOR acronym, helping you better understand and navigate challenging behaviours while supporting your child in becoming their best self. The session will also offer practical strategies, tools, and advice tailored to demand avoidance, with the added opportunity to ask Anne-Marie your questions during a live Q&A.

Your Instagram questions answered

School days are loaded with demands and expectations. Work with your child's school to implement less directive requests, choices and opportunities for calm spaces, a reduced timetable.

For some families, a disengagement with certain aspects of the day may be worth investigating. What won’t work is carrying on battling or changing nothing. Teachers who are able to use declarative language in class and less direct communication can often foster a more successful learning experience for a pressure-sensitive child. Something as simple as coming into school at a less socially charged time can make all the difference.

Children's perception is often very accurate. Maybe there are lots of hidden demands or expectations that are overwhelming and leading reluctance. Bedtimes, mealtimes, bath times are particularly expectation-loaded occasions. Try and examine where reduced language, choices, fun, may be introduced. A bedtime box can add a bit of fun and take away the need for lots of instruction. Putting stories between each layer of pyjamas or on top of the toothbrush and simply declaring 'oh, it's bedtime box time,' or, asking 'shall we look at the bedtime box now or in five minutes?'

Demand avoidance, expectation explosive, transitional trauma and pressure sensitivity can impact on any child at any time. They are terms used to describe the red alert, raised anxiety or a distressed nervous system. Our role is to identify where and how we can prevent this build-up, and reduce the likelihood of these feelings building up.

The word ‘control’ frequently arises, but in truth, we all feel calmer if we have a say in things. For many of our children, the more they can feel part of the decision-making, the more likely they are to participate without protest.

However, as the adults in their lives, we have to consider how we are presenting choices; are we avoiding demands and collaborating over options?

For many children, incentives, consequences and rewards can all be perceived as pressure or expectations. These can lead to a ‘panic attack’ internalised response, yet as parents, we are often entrenched in the belief that this is the only way to parent.

Avoid rewards and consequences and explore using collaboration and connection. Perhaps having a basket of clothes each to choose separate spaces to get ready.

Try and identify all the hidden demands/expectations, like where to get dressed or when to do something, and identify where you could easily introduce non-verbal choices or declarative options.

Adolescence is a time of huge developmental changes and shifts. Peer expectations to go places, do things, behave, and even dress in a certain way can be overwhelming. It is a time where parents often share that they have realised they really need to adopt a ‘less is more’ approach.

Explore where your child feels the difficulties lie for them. Often an email or text can be a lot more successful than a conversation. Try and stick with the 'power of now'. Just because our 12 year old or 17 year old is in their room more than we would like today, this does not mean they will be in the weeks to come. Working within their tolerance window, creating some kind of connection, is today’s goal.

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Each week on Instagram, we post a question box where you can submit questions for our expert webinar speakers.

Understanding Demand Avoidance

Understanding Demand Avoidance

Your Instagram questions answered

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