23 APRIL 2025
In this article, Faye Appleton, Assistant Psychologist at The ADHD Foundation Neurodiversity Charity, shares how social expectations can sometimes be tricky for neurodivergent children to understand. She shares simple, effective ways to help children build confidence in social situations, including emotional regulation, preparing for change, and learning through positive role models.
What are social expectations?
Social expectations are the ‘norms’ and ‘standards’ set by society. They decide how people should behave, interact, and function within social realms. These expectations shape how individuals interact with each other and dictates ‘socially acceptable behaviours’. Social expectations help individuals to get along, resolve disagreements, and contribute towards a common understanding between communities.
Examples of social expectations for children include; using manners, engaging in back and forth conversations, playing and negotiating with other children, and respecting others personal space.
For children and young people who are neurodivergent they can experiences difficulties in social communication, and they can often face challenges with navigating social expectations throughout their life.
Teach emotional regulation
Emotional regulation is an important skill for children to learn and develop. Helping children identify and be able to express their emotions in a healthy way is important to allow them to navigate social situations effectively.
Coping strategies can be taught by parents to help children to manage their emotions. For example, emotion charts, deep breathing, grounding techniques, and taking a break when navigating complex emotions. By aiding self-control and effectively managing impulses by using positive reinforcement helps children to develop the skills to better regulate their emotions in social settings.
Supporting children with new experiences and transitions
Many children can find dealing with new experiences and transitions such as starting a new school, going on a trip, and changes in routine overwhelming. This may be due to uncertainty and the pressure of navigating ‘social norms’. Supporting children through transitions can ease the process and help them feel more confident in navigating social expectations. The tips below may be able to support children when navigating unfamiliar routines and transitions.
- Before a new experience or transition communicate with your child about what to expect.
- Create routines that provide stability during transitions. For instance, having a familiar routine at home can help ease any anxiety they may feel about changes in their social setting such as moving to a new school.
- Encourage your child to ask questions, communicate openly, and express their feelings. Create a safe space where they can discuss any questions around social expectations and reflect on their experiences. Validating their emotions can make them feel heard and understood.
Model positive social behaviours
Children often learn how to interact with others by observing the behaviours of adults. An effective way to teach social expectations is by modelling behaviours such as respect, empathy, and understanding. When adults consistently demonstrate positive behaviours, children begin to understand what is expected in social situations.
It is important to be mindful of how you handle challenges or conflicts in your own interactions. Providing your child with the opportunities to observe how to effectively manage emotions, resolve disagreements, and communicate calmly in difficult moments can be insightful and provide them with important guidance.
Discuss social expectations and allow mistakes
Social expectations can often feel vague to children and they can present as ‘unwritten rules.’ Rather than assuming that children will naturally pick up on a social cue or norm, we can teach them what is expected of them. For example, providing an explanation of why we use manners, why it is important to respect others’ opinions, and why it is important to turn take in conversations.
It is also important to create a safe space for mistakes. Most children will most likely misunderstand cues or forget what is expected occasionally. Rather than providing negative feedback or consequences, we can guide children with empathy, patience, and understanding. For instance, using phrases such as “next time you could try…”, providing them with constructive feedback, and allowing them to reflect.